Tsugumi-chan

The day Kevin and I officially broke up.  We were broken up before, I suppose.  I didn't want to be with him anymore, he had 'realized' something that meant we couldn't be together while in Mexico.  Our relationship failed.  That's alright.  It means I don't have another reason to hate myself for my feelings towards Clare.

If perhaps she someday stumbles upon this, she would realize my real feelings.  And what a....god, why am I writing this again?  Oh, yeah, I'm a girl that can't hold all her emotions in anymore.  And I'm not going to go into class and scream, "Clare, I'm incredibly infatuated with you!"  Yeah, let's not have that happen.  Though it's hard not to comment on how good looking she is.  Anyway, I hope she meets a hot guy that she can relate to.

For me?  A not-fat lesbian chick would be nice.  Yeah, blond or red-head.  Mmmmm....I wonder if Abii is bi?  Eh, she wouldn't go for me anyway.  I'm not degrading myself, it's simply true.  Let's see....

I can't say that Kevin and my breakup didn't effect me.  The fact that it's what got me starting to write this journal proves that.  It did.  I was upset, mostly with the fact he hadn't told me himself.  And...that was it.  I'm pissed that he didn't have the balls to tell it to my face.  I would have been much happier if he had done that.  But, he didn't.  I shared special moments with him and he offended me by ignoring me like he did.  I was very angry with him.  I will no longer be associated in the present tense concering him and his matters.  I am servering my ties with such a weak man.

After all, the only guys I like in a friend way are strong ones or gay ones.  Strong in a mental and emotional sense.  I couldn't give less than a flying fuck for how they look.  I'm mean, they're just a guy, c'mon!

Well, there ends my rant.

Love,
Tsugumi

Merkur XR4Ti.  It's old anyway, how will I know I'll even like it?  They aren't exactly pretty, though I suppose that shouldn't be what I'm going for.  But maybe a Camaro Z28?  Pretty, can become a good, fast car.  Then again, an Acura RSX-S?  I'll have to talk to my uncles to see if front-wheel is better or worse than rear- or all-wheel when racing.  Yes, I'm under the legal age of driving and I'm already thinking of racing.

I love cars.  Seriously, I used to be the sworn enemy of cars, but now I adore them.  Mechanics genes run in part of my family.  I got 'em.  My mom doesn't, which sucks. -_-  But I'll deal.  My uncles know tons about stuff like that.  I'll just have 'em teach me.

*loves cars, knows little about them*

Yeah, I'm stupid.  Bite me.

Then again, a Jaguar XKR would be nice....Oh, nevermind, I'll think about it later.

My step-dad gets drunk every night.  Not so boozed he can't remember anything.  Just enough so he can block out his problems.  I suppose, since he's an adult, he has lots of them.

I take back what I said about him being drunk every night.  He's mostly sober around 5% of the time I see him.  Now, for anyone who isn't able to put two words together: The rest of the time he's had enough booze to alter his attitude.  He goes from sweet, loving step-dad to grumpy, pissed, irritated step-dad.

If you couldn't tell I'm pretty pissed right now. It's partially because of PMS.  Back to the rant...

I don't understand my step-dad at all anymore.  I don't get why mom loves him.  And that's what scares me.  What if she herself no longer understands why she loves him?  Please, don't make me post about their divorce.

Why would I be so crushed if they divorced?  Don't I want my biological parents together again?  No, I don't want them together again.  The tension level around those two is so high it's scary.  I would be so hurt because...it would be mentally damaging and destabilize my very delicate mental balance.  Yes, I have a delicate mental balance.  No, I'm not crazy.  I simply got over a long, difficult depression a few months ago.  Something like a divorce would not help with my happiness or sanity at all.  (I think I just contradicted myself concerning the crazy part.  Whatever.)  And I really don't want to see mom so sad.  But she's sad now, so would it really make that big a difference?

Yes, yes it would.

My step-dad is acting like a ten-year-old.  My mom's depressed.  I'm acting like the teenager I am and a housewife.  Please, sombody,

help me.